Dear pathetic umbrella,
Lately we’ve been having problems. It all started with the falling-out in January, when I accidentally scratched your handle on the gate. Again I must insist that it was an accident! Your retaliation–dripping excessive amounts of rainwater on my expensive suit–was completely unnecessary! You ruined my next job interview by jumping out and tripping the interviewer–which was blamed on me! I must confess to being angry and acting spitefully, but I never intended to rip a hole through you. However, your conduct after that was purely malicious and incredibly overkill. Therefore, I no longer harbor any sympathy for you. This is your notice that you have been replaced; last night, I ordered a nice navy blue umbrella that is said to have a pleasant temperament. It will arrive tomorrow at noon, which is your deadline to vacate the premises. I am sorry it has come to this, but I require a accommodating umbrella–I live in Seattle, after all.
I cannot forgive you, but I can wish you good luck.
Pardon my writing block. THIS terribleness is my writing exercise to hopefully chip away at the wall separating me from creativity. Let’s hope it works…